TwentyOne : Dad

This post will be dedicated to the world's most awesomest Dad. :) My Daddy.
So Imma gonna tell you a little about me and my dad.

My dad loved us the most. He's the kind of father that always put his family first.
He doesn't gamble, he doesn't drink, he works hard to raise this family. Always giving us the best.
Though, my dad didn't have much career luck and there are always nasty co-workers that stabbed him in the back. Well we call those kinda people '小人' and my dad had to deal with them at his work places. When I was young, I didn't know much. I didn't know my dad had trouble finding jobs. And once he couldn't find a job for a year I think? I sorta didn't know about that because my life then was perfectly fine. I get 3 meals a day, I get what I want, and I'm living a perfectly great childhood. See how great my dad was, even my family was struggling for money but I didn't had a clue that we were cause my parents always had tried to fulfill what we wanted as a child. And I'm so touched by that I didn't even felt poverty.

When I was younger, I've always hugged him before he goes to work. And he'll give me the bear hug squeezing me so tight that I couldn't breathe but I felt warmness. But slowly going into my teenage years it stopped and my dad was uberly strict to me. I can't go out with my friends that often, I can't mix with guy friends when I'm out. I can't go to parties and stuff. So as a teenager, I rebelled a lil. ;) But still, my parents managed to moved us from an apartment to a terrace house. So yea. My life was great. I had my own room and stuff. My dad knew I've always loved dogs. I wanna have my own dog. So since we've moved to a terrace house, my dad brought me to SPCA and adopt a doggie. Though that dog died due to some infection and I cried my eyeballs out and basically was really emo lah. That after a week my dad brought home a golden mix lab retriever :). You couldn't imagine how happy I was.

I was still a teenager. We don't really think properly before we say things, we don't really know what we felt and stuff. And I wanna tell to you people out there that are reading this, you'll never know what will happen tomorrow, so appreciate what you have right now. During the year 2005, I pretty much spend my time in front of the computer, sneaking out with friends and stuff. So on Aug 30th of 2005, instead of celebrating my dad's birthday, I spent that day with my friends at Sunway Pyramid, then overnight at pyramid tower to count down for Malaysia's Independence Day. And you don't know how very much I'm regretting that I hadn't spend that day with my Dad because it was his last birthday. Life ends really suddenly sometimes. The month of Dec of 2005 was really tragic for me. I felt I've lost my purpose of living. The last memory I had with my dad was watching Dr. DooLittle together. Well sorta, he was watching it upstairs in his room and I was watching it in the living room and he sms-ed me saying the actress was the girl in That's So Raven. haha. Yea. And I wanted to ask my dad to fetch me to Sunway Pyramid the next day on 8th of Dec but I didn't dare because I was afraid he will be tired and stuff. He had been going for dialysis for quite sometime so yea, dialysis patients are really tired most of the time and imagine my dad had to go for dialysis and then go to work after that. T_T.

So 8th Dec was that day that changed my life forever. My maid woke me up in the morning telling me the hospital called saying that my dad is in the hospital. In my mind I was thinking, hopefully he just passed out or fell down or something. So I called my mom, who was then in Penang (Yea, she was having some course in Penang and she hadn't seen my dad for two months. She was suppose to come back the next week I think.) So then we've rushed to the hospital.

He was in a coma. His heart stopped for 15 mins then they resuscitate my dad but it was too late. His brain was dead. Now he is breathing by the support of those machines and tubes that goes through his mouth. And the doctor said because of some complications we had to let him go, by pulling the plug. You have no idea how intense that was. So yea, we had to do it.

Seeing his heartbeat slowly pacing down. It hurts. I don't know whether he is alive or he isn't, I don't know whether can he hear us, I don't know whether can he still feel our presence. It just hurts so badly. I wish that I could hold on to him forever. He was like a concrete base for me to keep on standing. But now I felt my feet is wobbling, my heart's so sour, I can hear people crying and sobbing but I can't even hear myself thinking. then.. 50......48......42......40...............0. At that moment, I swear, my heart wanted to stop too. When it reached zero, I felt my world had fallen apart too. His heart was still beating by itself but I can't do anything, the man who took care of the whole family, the man who loved us no matter under what consequences, the man who gave me the direction in life, the man who always gave me what I wanted, is now gone forever.

Seeing him now, he had turned cold and pale. I really wish hard that it was all just a bad dream.

The wake and funeral was heart wrenching. Seeing him just sleeping peacefully in the coffin it just hurt so much, I wanna open it up and shake him, asking him to wake up. But I guess he'll suffer no more from all those medication and dialysis. He's in a better place now, right?
Burning my Dad into ashes was even nerve wreaking for me. Now I couldn't see him anymore. He's now turning into ashes. It hurts. I really does hurts. And by writing this post now, it hurts even more thinking back and feeling what I've felt before.

♥

Blessed birthday Daddy. No one can ever replace you. :) I know you're in a better place now. I hope you're having fun up there. :) love you always. Missing you badly. And though I told you I wanna become an artist, a fashion designer, an advertising designer, you've never shut my dreams and always supported me. And now I'm pursuing illustrations and I know you'll continue to support me and I'll never let you down daddy. You've taught me sooooo much. ♥♥♥

Your Daughter,
Cheryl